"Eat at Shenaniganz, enjoy your food. Eat at Shenaniganz, Calvin works here!"

Okay, time to sound like a capital A Asshole again...I don't like chain restaurants. Fridays, Applebees, Chilis, the lot of you. I've wined with you, I've dined with you, but I think I'm done spending my hard earned money on you. Now, I don't think I'm above eating at these places, because Lord knows I love me some fast food. It's just...we can do better at home, you know? If you have a ridiculously specific Whopper craving, only Burger King is going to do, and I am going to order the onion rings even though they are conspicuously absent of onion. But if I want a grilled burger or steak or something, we have the tools and skills (MAD skilz, even) and a Cub right down the street.

I'm too clumsy and forgetful to ever have worked in a restaurant, but having to deal with all that gimmicky crap day after day seems like it would be unbearable. Fridays (with whom I have multiple bones to pick) has an entire page of menu items celebrating everyone's favorite hooch, Jack Daniels. This puzzles me. Most people I know have an aversion to whiskey due to some house party back in '99 and haven't been able to look at it without projectile vomiting ever since. Speaking of booze, my friend and former bartender extraordinare Sarah taught me the phrase "corporate pour" last year, and most chains have to abide by the person tending bar to pour using a chigger rather than letting them trust their own pour. Some places even have a "deal" where for a little extra, you can get another shot in your drink. I don't feel like shilling out $9 for a fishbowl-sized margarita with a half ounce of Cuervo in it. Mainly because margaritas give me a bitchin' case of heartburn.

I think this goes without saying - we've all seen Office Space and Waiting (and if you haven't, stop reading and go see them both now, especially if you've worked in an office or a restaurant and like laughter and happiness). But anyhow, who was like, "Hey! Let's hang old records and waterskis and other miscellaneous crap on the walls! It'll look quirky and entertaining!" Do you really need all that 3D distraction on the walls when there 54 TVs for my husband and I to gape at rather having adult conversation? I can see why a place like Buffalo Wild Wings would want to put up some sports memorabilia, but the average person is likely going to look up, note that there's an enormous blue French horn above the bar, and go back to getting girl-drink drunk (Extreme Strawberry Fizzle with a sugar rim, $8 with an extra shot of Pucker!).